Polite Encounters

During flights or social events, I often encounter unfamiliar faces. For those with social anxiety, like myself, these spontaneous interactions can be daunting. The reason? They often lack substance.

What’s the first question people typically ask upon meeting?

Struggling to recall?

It’s often along the lines of, "What’s your occupation?" or "How's work treating you?" This tendency reflects an American cultural norm where our professions become part of our identity. The challenge with this approach is its inherent hierarchy. If one person states they're a lawyer while another mentions they're a janitor, who garners more respect?

In our culture, professions often carry a social ranking based on education and income. Consequently, lawyers may be viewed as more esteemed, while janitors, despite their essential roles, might receive less acknowledgment due to their job title and pay. This dynamic reinforces social stratification and can lead to feelings of devaluation for some individuals.

In various cultures, inquiring about someone’s job is perceived as impolite. Instead, discussions revolve around personal interests, family, and experiences, fostering more equitable and meaningful conversations that appreciate individuals for who they are rather than what they do.

By steering clear of job-centric small talk, we can cultivate dialogues that honor everyone, irrespective of their profession.

Inside the Realm of Retirement

Let’s discuss small talk in the context of retirement. One of the first aspects we lose after stepping away from our careers—especially after decades of devotion—is our sense of identity. Recently, I faced several encounters that left me feeling quite exposed. Transitioning from a lifelong profession took me two years to embrace my worth in a semi-retired state.

To spark ideas for my newsletter, I took on a part-time role in my 55+ community, where everyone seems to know each other’s affairs. If they don’t, they’re quick to inquire.

"Are you still at the museum? How’s it going? Is the pay decent?" a curious neighbor asked.

"Does she still work? How does she enjoy her job?" my brother-in-law queried my husband.

"Do you have a job? What do you do for a living? Is it lucrative?" were random questions from a passerby at the park.

Energizing Small Talk

How can we, in our semi-retirement, engage in invigorating small talk that may lead to new friendships?

Avoid discussing ailments, the weather, or grandchildren—at least when initiating conversations with new acquaintances.

Instead, we want to discover more about you. Topics like food, health, beauty, travel, hobbies, and culture provide excellent fodder for conversation.

A few years ago, at a memoir writing conference in San Francisco, I found myself paired with another woman while everyone else was in couples. Naturally, I struck up a conversation. When I asked about healthy dining options in the area, I discovered she was vegan and was also on the lookout for a good restaurant. We Googled a nearby eatery, walked there together, and enjoyed a delightful meal. Our initial small talk blossomed into a rich dialogue that energized both of us.

Fast forward a year, and I reconnected with her in Tahoe, where I met my current therapist through her. Our conversation then was even more invigorating than the first, and we’ve maintained our friendship through the years.

On another occasion, I found myself seated next to a friendly stranger on a flight. She complimented my makeup and was curious about my mascara. Our conversation flowed effortlessly, covering skincare, fashion, and haircare throughout the entire trip. We exchanged contact information, and although we haven’t met again, we continue to stay connected via social media.

Had either of these encounters begun with generic topics like the weather or probing personal questions, the chances of them evolving into meaningful connections would have diminished significantly.

Challenges in Small Talk

At times, polite encounters might fizzle despite our best efforts to engage. This could be due to several factors:

1. Lack of Practice: For those who are retired or live in isolation, confidence in social situations may dwindle. Many times, we feel we lack relevant topics, making it even more vital to venture out and embrace life fully.
2. Finding Common Ground: Discovering shared interests can be challenging, especially as we age. My personal journey is unique; I never had children, got married later in life, and have little interest in discussing the weather.
3. Perceived Superficiality: Some individuals find small talk unfulfilling, preferring deeper conversations. Engaging in trivial discussions can drain energy and leave one feeling exhausted.

How about you? Do you struggle with small talk, or is it second nature to you?

Mastering the art of small talk is essential for forming connections, particularly as we age. It nurtures friendships, reduces feelings of isolation, boosts self-confidence, and enhances our enjoyment of social gatherings.