# The Pursuit of Desire: Are We Chasing the Right Things?
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Chapter 1: Understanding Desire
You might find yourself in a conundrum regarding what you truly want.
Photo by Jorge Zapata on Unsplash
The notion seems straightforward: you desire something, you obtain it, and that leads to happiness. In our current era, achieving this formula has never been easier. Unlike twenty years ago, when reaching a broad audience required specific connections or prestigious publications, today, with just a laptop and a plethora of free online resources, anyone can refine their skills and share their voice.
However, despite these advancements, our societal happiness appears to be declining. We are experiencing unprecedented levels of anxiety and depression, with mental health issues affecting around one billion adults—a figure that experts expect to rise further.
This stark disparity raises an important question: Is happiness solely about fulfilling our desires? Or is it more critical to ensure that we desire the right things?
When our aspirations do not stem from our true selves, they often fail to provide lasting happiness. But what influences our cravings?
Imagine you’re planning a summer getaway, and you’ve chosen Bali as your destination. You’ve saved diligently for a year to afford the flight and a luxurious villa by the beach. What drives this specific desire for Bali?
Perhaps you were influenced by a boss who extolled its virtues, or maybe it was the captivating images shared by an influencer. Additionally, the expense and exclusivity of such a trip may contribute to its appeal as a status symbol. All of these factors converge, leading you to eagerly anticipate this vacation.
French philosopher René Girard referred to this phenomenon as mimetic desire.
Section 1.1: What is Mimetic Desire?
Mimetic desire suggests that we often unconsciously imitate the desires of others, particularly those we view as influential. We want things because we see others wanting them first.
The value of our desires is not intrinsic or universal. For instance, while you may passionately believe that a trip to Bali is the ultimate escape, your partner might argue that a secluded mountain cabin is far more appealing.
So, who is correct? The answer is neither. The worth you assign to your desires is simply subjective.
There are two primary methods for determining the value of our wants. The first involves following societal trends and mimetic desires. The second is about cultivating independent values.
The first method is prevalent. For example, when my mother decided to adopt a pet during the pandemic, she chose a cat because her friends did, sharing adorable stories and photos. Yet, what about the countless other animals, like birds, that could also make great companions?
Conversely, when we pursue something rare or unconventional, we often second-guess our choices. What if, instead of Bali, you chose a village vacation focused on gardening? You might hesitate to share your experience, even if it turns out to be the most fulfilling holiday of your life.
We often seek validation for our desires, craving social proof. But this extends beyond material possessions; it encompasses deeper aspirations for moral positions, recognition, relationships, educational institutions, job titles, and dreams.
In this quest, we frequently lose sight of what we genuinely desire. We may not even know if fulfilling these goals leads to true happiness, as we often spend our lives chasing the dreams of others.
Section 1.2: Cultivating Authentic Desires
Our desires inevitably originate from somewhere. Girard proposed that our cravings function like a bicuspid, attaching to a surface, such as a rock. Once we disengage from one object, we latch onto another model.
The challenge arises from our tendency to unconsciously select our role models. Initially, our parents serve this purpose, but as we mature, our idols shift to media figures and peers. Social media exacerbates this issue, as the individuals we follow often influence our desires without our conscious awareness.
The initial step toward liberating our desires involves identifying the models that have shaped our cravings. The next step is to consciously select the role models whose lifestyles, values, and cultures resonate with us.
Chapter 2: Identifying True Wants
In the video "Spice Girls - Wannabe (Official Music Video)," we see how pop culture influences our desires and societal standards.
In "Culture Club - Do You Really Want To Hurt Me," we explore the emotional aspects of desire and how it intertwines with our identities.
Entrepreneur and author Luke Burgis highlights the distinction between "thin" and "thick" desires in his book, “Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life.” Thin desires are fleeting whims, like wanting a new dress or trying a new restaurant. While these desires are transient, they do not warrant deep concern, as Burgis describes them as "a layer of sand over a solid slab of rock."
Thick desires, however, are deeply integrated into our identities—aspirations that endure beyond the superficialities of modern life.
Uncovering your thick desires may seem daunting, but it is more straightforward than it appears. Start by asking yourself and others reflective questions:
- Can you recount a time when you invested effort into something that provided profound satisfaction?
- What experiences brought you joy and meaning?
Aim to gather 4–5 significant stories from your life. Reflect on what motivated you in each scenario, what goals you sought, and why they hold significance for you.
As you explore these narratives, patterns will likely emerge, revealing insights into your thick desires. Understanding these core aspirations may lead to the emergence of authentic and fulfilling thin desires.
That, perhaps, is when the formula for happiness begins to take shape.
Thank you for reading! If you found this article valuable, feel free to comment, clap, and highlight. Your engagement encourages me to create more meaningful content.
I’d also like to recognize some writers on Medium whose work deserves attention:
Som Dutt ? — Sompa Mensah — Lost in My Soul — Bella Smith ? — Lost in My Soul
(If you wish to connect or collaborate, please let me know in the comments!)