Chapter 1: My Journey of Self-Discovery

The realization of being Autistic in February 2022 illuminated the reasons behind my long-standing feelings of being out of place. Reflecting on the past 15 years since my high school graduation in 2008, I can see that I’ve often dwelled in my own world of dreams and ideas. My struggle to fit in stemmed from simply trying to be myself. Surrounded by peers, I have countless memories that vividly illustrate my Autism and ADHD. Old photographs reveal a heavy burden of depression and past trauma that I now recognize, yet it pains me that no one seemed to notice.

In social situations, I often felt like the target of gossip or completely excluded. I find it incredibly challenging to conform to what others expect—changing my behavior, censoring my words, or adhering to social norms. I've been described as someone who marches to the beat of my own drum, stubborn, and unable to accept guidance. Comments about being "too much" or "talking too much" regarding my contributions have been frequent.

As a child, I often took charge because I craved structure and sought to lead. My creativity often exceeded expectations, as evidenced by my elaborate presentations for class projects. While peers created simple slideshows, I authored a 200-page book and interviewed 15 women for it in mere weeks. This propensity to go above and beyond didn’t earn me admiration; instead, I was often met with disdain.

Now, at 31 and a stay-at-home mom, I feel lost without the structure and motivation that college provided. At home, I often feel like a wilting flower, despite the love I have for my family and the healthy environment we’ve built together. However, navigating life as a neurodivergent mother with neurodivergent children, alongside a partner who struggles to comprehend my thought processes, is an ongoing challenge. I miss the order and self-expression that my college life afforded me.

When given creative tasks in school, I approached them with seriousness and dedication. Unfortunately, that same passion for homemaking and planning isn’t as easy to muster. I often reflect on how different my life might have been if I had understood my diagnoses during my college years. I believe I am now better equipped to manage my needs.

As an adult, the pressure of responsibilities weighs heavily on me. With bills to pay and a family to raise, I must navigate my own needs while lacking familial support. The absence of guidance can feel overwhelming. Additionally, not knowing I was Autistic until my 30s has complicated my relationships.

1. My relationships often suffered because I communicated differently than my peers. I bond over shared interests and deep conversations, creating mental profiles of individuals without maintaining regular contact, which can lead to feelings of isolation when reconnections feel strained.
2. Various professionals have misdiagnosed me in the past, overlooking the sensory issues and social difficulties inherent in my Autism and ADHD. My reactions are often misinterpreted as mood swings, but they stem from specific stimuli or changes in my environment.
3. I’ve been labeled as "too much" or "overachieving," which has led to confusion and self-doubt. My detail-oriented nature and rapid thought processes have been misunderstood, causing me to minimize my talents instead of embracing them.
4. I don't require medication or a "cure." Rather, I need support tools like reminders and accommodations for my unique challenges. For years, I believed I needed to change my mindset, but I’ve realized that I simply need to be understood.
5. My fascination with personality assessments, from Psychology to the Enneagram, has been a significant part of my life. This obsession was not a fad but a genuine quest for self-understanding. Learning about Autism has provided clarity, enabling me to embrace my identity without the need for obsessive analysis.

The knowledge of my Autism has transformed my perspective, particularly regarding my childhood trauma. Recognizing that my neurodivergent traits were often punished allows me to reevaluate my past experiences. This shift in understanding is pivotal to my healing journey, as I learn to advocate for myself and pursue my desires.

Chapter 2: The Path Forward

As I continue to explore my identity, I am learning to embrace my Autism and advocate for myself while creating a nurturing environment for my family. My journey is ongoing, but I am committed to understanding and accepting who I am.