Understanding People-Pleasing

Recently, I had a conversation with a client who was eager to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing. Can you relate to this struggle? I certainly can!

From what she shared, she had always prioritized others' needs over her own. It had become instinctive for her to remain silent, avoid conflict, and go the extra mile—especially within her South Asian community. Now that she's older and more self-aware, she realizes how this pattern has infiltrated various aspects of her life:

• At Work: Taking on extra tasks, trying to be the hero among colleagues and supervisors.
• In Friendships: Hesitating to say no or disappoint her friends.
• With Family: Constantly worrying about her parents' opinions and striving to keep them content.
• During Shopping: Feeling guilty for not supporting local businesses or services.
• In Dating: Being overly accommodating, dating multiple people, and struggling to express disinterest.

This exhausting routine leaves her drained, and she’s not achieving her own desires.

I posed a straightforward question to her: “Why do you feel compelled to do this?”

Her response was predictable: “I do it to make others happy, avoid conflict, and prevent hurt feelings.”

I listened intently, then said, “Have you ever considered that people-pleasing is essentially a form of dishonesty? While many of us engage in it, some forms of deception carry greater consequences.”

She looked taken aback. After a moment of silence, she attempted to defend her actions. “It’s not deception; I’m just trying to be kind and prevent pain.”

“By doing things against your will and acting as if it’s acceptable? Can you see your part in this dynamic?”

Her expression shifted as realization dawned on her. She sat quietly for a moment, then nodded in acknowledgment. “When you frame it like that, I see your point. I always thought I was being kind.”

Let’s be honest—many of us have had similar thoughts! My client isn't alone in her perspective. However, at its essence, people-pleasing is a form of deceit.

There are various reasons why some individuals engage in this behavior more than others, and it certainly doesn’t define you as a bad person. Context plays a significant role!

In some cases, people-pleasing can provide a sense of safety, particularly if you grew up in an unpredictable environment. However, for many, it has transformed into an unhelpful habit.

Often, we resort to dishonesty because we fear others' reactions to the truth. Ironically, this behavior drains our energy as we don a façade, undertake unwanted responsibilities, and convey that everything is fine—encouraging others to expect even more from us!

Then, we dare to complain about it (and I admit, I’ve done this too).

Ultimately, we are all human—flawed beings full of biases and self-destructive tendencies. Yet, the beauty of our humanity lies in our capacity for self-awareness, intelligence, and change when prompted appropriately. Sometimes, it merely takes a harsh dose of reality while everyone else continues to play along.

If you find yourself struggling with people-pleasing like my client, consider what unfolds when you examine it through the lens of dishonesty. While some situations might justify this behavior, there may also be instances where your ongoing dishonesty leads to more painful outcomes than simply telling the truth.

For my client, just today, she reached out to say how liberating it felt to be more honest at work. Instead of taking on additional responsibilities, she pushed back, and others were compelled to step up.

I anticipate this is just the beginning of a long list of victories for her. Taking decisive action cultivates confidence and reveals new possibilities.

What might you achieve if you decided to follow her lead? Are you ready to embrace a different approach today?

Make it happen.

Are you tired of repeating patterns in your dating life? Eager to attract the love you truly deserve?

Uncover the 5 Essential Mistakes You MUST Avoid When Dating Men to start breaking the cycle today. If you're interested in personalized coaching, schedule your FREE Breakthrough Call, and let’s discuss your journey.

Chapter 2: The Cost of People-Pleasing

In this insightful video, explore the harsh realities that every people-pleaser needs to confront. Discover how these patterns can hinder personal growth and relationships.

Chapter 3: Embracing Honesty

This video delves into the uncomfortable truths surrounding people-pleasing. Learn how to break free from these habits and cultivate genuine connections.