Understanding Self-Abandonment

Recently, I encountered a thought-provoking meme on Instagram that suggested we stop labeling it "people pleasing" and instead recognize it for what it truly is: self-abandonment. This concept has lingered in my mind for weeks. While "people pleasing" sounds harmless and even pleasant, it often disempowers us.

The reality is that people pleasing can have dire consequences. From my experience coaching numerous individuals who struggle with this behavior — including myself — the repercussions can be severe. For many, this pattern has led to chronic physical and mental health issues, resulting in a disjointed existence. It is, without a doubt, an act of self-neglect.

When discussing nervous system regulation, we refer to the interplay between our parasympathetic and sympathetic systems in response to our environment. The aim is to return to a parasympathetic state (rest and digest) amidst stress, enabling us to self-regulate.

In a state of sympathetic response, we typically react through one of four mechanisms: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. "Fight" is the commonly recognized reaction where one confronts a threat with anger. "Flight" involves escaping from danger, a natural instinct for survival. "Freeze" is less frequently discussed; it refers to a state where one becomes immobile, a protective measure that can manifest as procrastination. I recently guided a client who realized her procrastination was a freeze response developed during the pandemic, triggered by family health crises.

The "fawn" response, the least understood of these, aligns closely with people pleasing. It manifests as an effort to ensure others' happiness in order to avoid attention or conflict. In this way, we often neglect our own needs in a bid for acceptance.

Herein lies the problem: the benign term "people pleasing" fails to capture the gravity of the situation. When engaging in fawning behaviors, we may find ourselves inundated with stress hormones, leading to inflammation and disconnection from our own bodies as we strive to keep others comfortable.

What about our own well-being?

Not long ago, my coach made me confront the reality that my long history of people pleasing — which initially served as a survival mechanism in my youth and contributed to my early career success — ultimately led to burnout. I reached a point where I could no longer maintain the facade that others expected of me. It was during my pregnancy, coupled with illness, that I finally began to prioritize my own needs in small yet meaningful ways.

The pivotal change for me has been a simple morning ritual: asking myself, "What do I need today?" While this may seem trivial, I often jot down reminders to engage in self-care activities like going for a walk or staying hydrated. Fulfilling these small needs has built a level of self-trust that I had previously lacked.

However, I soon realized that I was merely skimming the surface. Yes, I was drinking water and taking walks, but I often neglected my most basic needs, like waiting hours to relieve myself during calls or forgetting to eat until late afternoon.

I deserve more than just the essentials, and so do you.

When self-abandonment becomes a habit, we start to view it as a prerequisite for love and acceptance. Our willingness to martyr ourselves becomes a misguided ticket to belonging. For years, I felt a constant dread at the thought of someone being displeased with me.

Over the past year, a series of events compelled me to accept that I could hold my own needs as valid while also acknowledging that others might be disappointed. As I distanced myself from detrimental situations, I experienced panic but eventually realized I could endure others’ disapproval while prioritizing my own needs.

This realization was transformative, allowing me to treat myself with the same respect and care I offered to those around me.

A few weeks ago, while in Mexico, I faced food poisoning. Instead of hiding my discomfort, I made requests for help: I asked my partner for medication and the kitchen staff for broth. I chose to care for myself rather than abandon my needs.

The more I nurture myself, the more I build trust in my own capabilities.

So why am I sharing this in a business context? Because self-abandonment, often masked as people pleasing, is a toxic cycle that contributes to the burnout I frequently observe in my clients. This behavior is detrimental to business. When we constantly adapt to please others while neglecting ourselves — the most vital asset in our entrepreneurial endeavors — we dilute our effectiveness.

Diluted individuals lack resources.

They struggle to produce quality work.

They remain on the brink of collapse, easily overwhelmed.

They become physically unwell.

They hesitate to market themselves for fear of judgment.

They shy away from asking for raises.

They fail to engage in fulfilling work.

They experience burnout and resentment.

When the pressure mounts and disapproval surfaces, panic can lead to impulsive reactions and emotional outbursts. This turmoil affects not only ourselves but also reverberates through our relationships with clients and loved ones.

On the flip side, cultivating self-trust is an invaluable skill in business. When you have your own back, you open the door to limitless potential.

It’s time to stop neglecting yourself.

If you can, adopt a morning practice: each day, ask yourself what you need. Dedicate time to nurturing your body, mind, and spirit, treating yourself as you would a cherished friend. Observe how these changes can transform your life.

Best, Jenni

Curious about my background? I'm a writer and business coach based in Central Oregon, balancing work with raising two small children. Recently, I've been focused on non-linear business strategies and helping others build successful enterprises that prioritize their humanity.

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Chapter 2: The Impact of Self-Abandonment on Business

In this video, we explore the themes of self-abandonment and people pleasing, examining how these patterns affect our personal well-being and professional success.

This video delves into the fawn response, linking it to self-abandonment and providing strategies for asserting oneself and standing up for personal needs.