The Nature of Friendships

Friendships come in various forms, and adults in the U.S. often categorize their friends based on specific roles, such as gym buddies or colleagues. These types of friendships can diminish when one party changes jobs or loses interest in a common activity.

In contrast, there are intimate friends—those who support you through challenging times and with whom you share a deeper understanding. Many adults report having only a handful of such friends. The rarest are lifelong best friends, who remain by your side through changes in jobs, relocations, relationships, conflicts, losses, and different phases of life. But what is the secret to a friendship that withstands the test of time?

According to relationship expert Robin Dunbar, shared characteristics, interests, and backgrounds play a crucial role. His research identifies seven vital factors that enhance friendships: speaking the same language, growing up in similar environments, pursuing comparable careers, and having shared hobbies, perspectives, humor, and musical tastes. While friends might not possess all these traits, the greater the overlap, the stronger the connection tends to be. Contrary to the belief that opposites attract, studies suggest we are more inclined to bond with those similar to us.

Jeffrey Hall, a researcher specializing in friendships, discovered that for individuals to become best friends, they must spend a significant amount of time together—at least 300 hours. Hall also emphasizes that friends who engage in deep, meaningful conversations forge stronger bonds than those who keep discussions superficial.

Once a friendship reaches a close level, maintaining consistency is essential, according to Aminatou Sow, co-author of Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close. While friends don't need to see each other constantly, nurturing the relationship is vital. Sow recommends demonstrating commitment to the friendship's future and cultivating shared habits, such as exchanging memes regularly or scheduling monthly calls. Drawing inspiration from family or romantic bonds—like annual trips, celebrating birthdays, or recognizing friendship anniversaries—can also help sustain the connection. These seemingly minor actions contribute significantly to keeping the friendship vibrant.

Sow posits that there is an enchanting quality to close friendships that science hasn't fully unraveled. Part of it involves diligent effort, but there is also an element of mystery and magic. Hall concurs, noting that even though it requires time to develop a robust friendship, once established, friends can go months or even years without contact and still seamlessly reconnect. "Once a very strong friendship has been created," Hall asserts, "it never really stops being that way."

Real-Life Testimonies: Decades of Friendship

What insights do lifelong friends share about their bond? TIME interviewed a pair of friends who have maintained their connection for decades.

Sami Khan, 69, from New York, and Olivia John, 69, who divides her time between Florida and Connecticut, have been friends for 65 years.

OJ: We grew up across the street from each other in New York City. We met on the playground and started kindergarten together the very next day. We were in school together for 14 years, and we just clicked.

SK: I always felt out of place at school, so having a best friend like Madeleine meant the world to me. She helped me navigate the first 18 years of my life. It was always us against the world.

OJ: Things became more challenging when we attended colleges in different states, but we kept in touch through letters. I visited her a couple of times, and we met up during school breaks.

SK: We did lose contact for a while. When I came out to Madeleine at 21, she was incredibly supportive. However, after facing some uncomfortable experiences while socializing with straight people, I immersed myself in New York's gay scene during my 20s and 30s, and we drifted apart.

OJ: I made new friends during that time. I wasn't upset with Amy; it just felt like we were on separate paths. Then one day, unexpectedly, Amy emailed me.

SK: There’s no good reason for my delay in reaching out. It took a family Thanksgiving when my cousin asked about Madeleine for me to finally contact her. After sending the email, the phone rang instantly—it was Madeleine. I didn’t realize email responses were that quick back then!

OJ: I remember crying the day we met for lunch again. It felt as if we had wasted all those years because the moment we reunited, everything clicked again. After that, we made sure to stay connected.

SK: In many respects, we are quite different—I'm into sports and outdoor activities, while Madeleine isn’t. However, there's a profound trust and unconditional acceptance between us. I know I can share anything with her without fear of judgment. Whenever something significant happens in my life, I want to tell Madeleine. She understands me, and if I think I'm amusing, she thinks so too.

OJ: I feel the same way. I've faced numerous health challenges over the years, and Amy has been my rock through it all. She’s my go-to person, apart from my son. I know she won’t tire of my health issues; she’s just incredibly supportive.

SK: We openly express how much we mean to each other. We often say "I love you" and have vowed to be there for one another forever, which brings comfort as we age.

I've also told my daughter that while all friends may sometimes be annoying, the love remains.

OJ: I’ve shared with my son that friends serve different purposes. Not every friend needs to share your interests entirely. I once thought all friendships needed to be equally close, but I've learned that’s not the case. However, with Amy, I never have to worry about that.

The first video titled Becoming a Better Friend and Building Friendships that Last offers insights into nurturing meaningful connections and sustaining them over time.

The second video titled How to Build Closer Friendships provides practical advice on fostering deeper relationships and understanding the dynamics of friendship.