Section 1.1: The Unhelpful Commentary

We have all encountered those coupled friends who seem to view us as flawed. They might perceive us as less accomplished or somehow less deserving than they are, believing they have 'won' at life. When we're single, it’s often seen as a personal failing. If we’re searching for a partner, they think we’re trying too hard, and if we pursue a potential match, they label us as desperate.

Just this morning, an engaged friend shared how it’s our fault if we attract unsuitable partners. Apparently, if we lack a fulfilling life, the men we meet will treat us poorly. If only I had realized that sooner!

While there is a grain of truth in the notion that being off-balance may lead to attracting similarly unstable individuals, one must ask: Were you genuinely balanced when you met your partner? Is this relationship truly what you would seek if you were single? Would you feel balanced if that relationship ended? Do you really believe that dating is easier now than in the past?

When you say that single life would be fun and that you’d just date around, do you grasp what 'fun' entails when you’re in your 30s, navigating emotions that can’t always be dismissed? Here’s a revelation: no one is completely balanced or healed, and none of us have reached a state of ultimate enlightenment. Life is a series of ups and downs for everyone.

Section 1.2: The Challenge of Dating in 2024

Judging someone who is seeking love in this age of endless options, dating apps, and commitment issues seems incredibly insensitive. Ultimately, you may criticize someone who, despite the hardships life throws their way, still holds onto hope.

And believe me, it’s tough to maintain that hope sometimes. Chances are, we wish we weren’t in this situation either, so it might be best to keep your judgments to yourself. I recognize that you likely mean no harm, and I apologize for venting. Now, let’s explore some of the most frustrating or unwelcomed remarks you can make to single friends:

• You need to learn to be alone before finding someone.
• Your person will come when you’re not looking.
• If you’re still single at this age, it’s because you didn’t want a partner.
• You always pick the wrong people.
• You’re too picky (and for those making it worse) you can’t afford to be picky at this age.
• You’re not selective enough; you need to be more discerning.
• Everyone on dating apps only wants sex; you should meet someone the old-fashioned way.
• Don’t worry; many are getting divorced now, so settling for a second-choice is fine.
• I know a guy who’s perfect for you! He’s just divorced with kids, not handsome but kind… (I asked—would you date him? No, but maybe he’s your type).
• You should join a hobby you don’t care about; that way, you might meet the right guy.
• Guys don’t want desperate women. (Translation: you seem desperate to me).
• He sleeps around, but he said it upfront, so if you catch feelings, it’s not his fault.
• Guys are intimidated by you; don’t mention your career in the early stages.
• Unfortunately, men are visual; you may need to lose some weight to attract a high-value one.
• I had a friend who found love at 49; it could happen to you too (you’re 37 now).
• I know someone who’s happy alone without a partner; you don’t need one.
• You must love yourself before anyone else can love you (who says I don’t love myself?).
• The underlying thought: there must be something wrong with you.
• Oh look, that guy is single (implying he’s a weirdo); I can introduce you; he’s cute!
• When will you start dating?
• You’re a bachelor; you’re crazy; you’re the friend who doesn’t want to settle down.
• You’re so fortunate to be single; it’s easier than being in a relationship.
• If I were single, I’d be traveling the world.
• You jumped into relationships too quickly!
• You’re a social butterfly; that’s why you’re single; you need to settle down.
• You gave too much too soon; that’s why you scared them off.
• You love too much.
• You don’t even know them!
• Ah, you did that wrong (without context).
• You don’t understand why you’re single.
• If you genuinely put yourself out there, you’d find someone.
• The reality is, you don’t want someone; otherwise, you’d be in a relationship.
• It’s so easy now with apps—when I met my partner…

So here’s the challenge... I’d like to see you try.

(P.S. Thank you to all my single friends who contributed to this list.) Finding love is far from simple. You’ve probably had your share of flirtations and relationships that didn’t pan out.

Newsflash, my coupled friends: it seems simple for you because you are UNAVAILABLE! That’s probably why someone wants a relationship with you—there’s minimal risk involved, or they thrive on the drama of unattainable situations.

The only way for you to understand how challenging dating can be is to step out there ALONE, as a single person. It’s akin to telling someone that flying is easy because you tried a simulator, or that skydiving isn’t scary when you’re with an instructor while your friend is out there solo.

We lack a safety net; our hearts have endured significant turbulence, and we’re doing our best to patch them up while continuing to feel.

Also, don’t deceive yourself—your imagined 'single self' is not the same as the version of you that would actually show up when looking for love. The version you know and resonate with exists only because you have a safe space to return to at the end of your day, even if your relationship is mediocre or unhappy. You have a cushion; you’re not standing on solid ground.