Chapter 1: The Journey of Transformation

Change is an integral part of our lives, often marked by the seasons we experience. Reflecting on this can help us grasp our personal growth.

This morning feels heavy with emotions. The overcast sky mirrors my thoughts, which are swirling around the idea of "a year from now." I find myself pondering what "starting" really means in the context of my journey.

A former coworker recently achieved a milestone by publishing an article in my dream magazine. I can't help but feel a twinge of regret for not having pitched to them sooner. While I’m genuinely happy for her, I can't shake the feeling of disappointment in myself. Yet, my internal dialogue reminds me that I’ve been on this journey of starting anew since I was twenty-three.

I realize that I’m always in the process of beginning something. But with so many distractions in life, what does it truly mean to start? Is it the moment we abandon a bad habit? Is it when we commit to writing our thoughts daily, regardless of how awkward they may come out? Or is it the act of joining a gym, running those initial miles, or taking daily walks and vowing never to skip them again?

What do “a year ago” and “a year from now” really signify?

On the positive side, self-help literature often emphasizes the significance of small, daily changes that accumulate into significant transformations. For instance, reducing cigarette consumption from ten to five, opting for a single glass of wine instead of a bottle, or introducing a salad into our lunch routine. These habits can snowball, leading us to a healthier and more balanced version of ourselves.

However, there exists a vast chasm between diving headfirst into a new lifestyle and merely testing the waters with small adjustments.

This summer prompted significant reflection and personal evolution. I scrutinized my habits and deliberated on which ones to retain and which ones had become outdated. Which behaviors no longer resonated with the ever-evolving individual I am becoming?

In my twenties, I was carefree and adventurous, the friend you would want to party with or enjoy a day in the park. I was always up for sharing a bottle of wine or two, a late-night philosopher who craved connections. But there was a darker side to this persona—smoking, emotional turmoil, and a pattern of seeking love in dysfunctional relationships.

I had labeled myself as the “fun friend,” but that identity had become stifling. I needed to shed that skin and transform my beliefs about love and self-worth. I underwent extensive self-work, nurturing healthier relationships and rediscovering my passion for writing. These changes were, in essence, new habits that contributed to my growth.

Yet, after a couple of years, my old self resurfaced, causing turmoil. This summer, I grappled with those remnants of my past self, which sought comfort and familiarity. After five years, I found myself smoking a cigarette again, drunk and crying on the porch, yearning to be heard. The struggle against my past felt like a battle for survival, but I knew there was a way out. Should I succumb to the past, or should I fight to emerge from it?

I was a newlywed, enjoying a fulfilling job, a happy life, a house, and pets, yet something felt amiss. I struggled to connect with my current self and the path ahead seemed unclear.

In times of uncertainty, we often look back. We summon memories of our former selves, clinging to them like old flames until we remember why we moved on.

This summer, I sought therapy again but also became my own therapist. I wrote daily about my desires, feelings, and visions for the future. I reflected on where I was a year ago—dealing with the chaos of relocation, a difficult living situation, and a painful decision to sever ties with a toxic friend. The weight of that trauma lingered, reminding me that past experiences often resurface.

Last summer was tumultuous, marked by a survival instinct. Yet, I persevered. Here I am, still working through the repercussions of past experiences and societal expectations that may not even belong to me.

I made significant changes this summer: cutting back on alcohol, embracing the dawn while loving the night, incorporating daily walks, and viewing my meals as nourishment rather than punishment. I explored my current self, recognizing how trauma and experiences shaped my desires for different lifestyles as I age.

I began to feel more at ease in my own skin. Tough decisions and distancing myself from toxic relationships cultivated newfound confidence. I understood myself better, my voice steadier when advocating for my beliefs. My fear of sharing my thoughts and feelings began to dissipate.

Now, I’m contemplating the upcoming year. I view my goals with a sense of urgency, as if my future is dependent on immediate action. This mindset can make the journey seem daunting.

Why should I be hard on my past self for simply surviving? Isn’t growth a continuous process? Is there really a definitive point marking “a year ago”?

Certainly, in cases like addiction, we recognize milestones such as the day we discarded a pack of cigarettes or poured out a bottle of wine. These moments deserve acknowledgment.

Yet, it’s not merely about specific days; it’s about seasons of change. When we decide to alter something in our lives, big or small, we transition into a new season of existence. This new version of ourselves often has been wrestling with the old one long before we reached a designated milestone.

A year from now, I am certain my circumstances will look different. I hope to uncover new hobbies and passions while continuing to build upon my growth. I aim not to succumb to monotony or let the world’s instability drag me into apathy.

Who will I become a year from now? Do I really need to know? Not particularly. That’s a decision for my future self. What I do know is that I don’t have to wait to "start"—I am always in the process of beginning anew.

The video "Seasons in Life Provide a Framework for Understanding Personal Growth and Development" explores how different phases of life can guide our journey toward self-improvement.

In "Seasons Change and So Do We | Interesting Life Lessons to be Learnt from the Seasons," we learn how the cycles of nature mirror our personal transformations.